Writing, fears, and Who I Am Now

Hi, friends and followers. I’m going to write something that’s quite difficult for me. I spent an hour at therapy yesterday talking to my Life Coach (my name for my therapist) about my paralyzing writer’s block. I have a million things in my head I’d like to write and then can’t when it comes time to get those words either scratched out on paper or typed on my computer screen.
There are several reasons… I might even write about them in more detail soon as I work through all of them… It deals with approval needs, rejection fears, performancism, you know… Basically, I’m a hot mess at times.

See, the Mandi most of y’all became friends with has changed dramatically in the last couple years.  I’d love to explain completely for you so you can understand my heart better, and I hope to once I can clear the air here on a few things. I have enough to fill a book probably, if anyone actually wanted to read about the spiritual and mental health journey of an average stay at home mom.

So, what has kept me paralyzed in writing is that I’m afraid of how I will be accepted by those of you that know me when you find out that my political beliefs have shifted. What will happen when you find out even though I still hold some right-of-center political beliefs, I’m definitely more left-leaning now.

Mandi, the former campus leader of College Republicans might think about voting for a Democrat.

Mandi, the life long evangelical Baptist attends an Anglican church and sympathizes with some Quaker and Anabaptist beliefs. (But don’t blame this on Anglicanism – most of my church, including my pastor, is more conservative than I am).

I’ve been afraid of really letting you all know who I am, how my worldview, both in a religious sense and political sense, has changed. I see the articles and memes you share on Facebook. The ones that call liberal thinking people traitors and stupid, the ones that call more progressive Christians “counterfeit Christians.” The condemning comments friends on similar journeys have been subjected to, doubting their salvation due to differing opinions.  I’m not judging because I used to do that, too. No one thinks anymore when they hit “share” that real people are on the other side of the screen. So, I’ve been scared… That you’ll think I’m a counterfeit Christian out to destroy our country because of my stupidity (or at least that’s what your Facebook timeline tells me).

I see things differently now because of an earnest prayer, a dangerous prayer… I wanted my heart broken for what breaks God’s heart.  Since that day I prayed that my life has been turned upside down. What I thought I knew, God’s shown me differently.
I’m not trying to say what you think or believe is wrong. You and God are the only ones privy to what is in your heart. And I’m not saying I’m 100% right on everything now. Part of my journey the past couple years has led me to a point where I’m okay knowing that life is not black and white. I don’t have all the answers. Honestly, none of us do… Aside from what is in the Creeds that define orthodox Christian faith, there can be a variety of opinions, beliefs, interpretations. I can live in the tension, the greys of  uncertainty. I can learn from others who believe differently and lived varying experiences.

I’m putting it out here for you to read. I might not be the person you found initial kinship. We might disagree on politics and doctrine and matters of Faith. But know me, my heart. I want to love God and love others.

Micah 6:8

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

That’s all… It’s off my chest now.

Unity (3)

7 responses to “Writing, fears, and Who I Am Now

  1. Well written, as always! I love the fact that you are working towards being more authentic with who you are and the struggles you face. I love that you are willing to say you are now questioning some of the things you were taught about the Christian Life. We have all been called to walk out our own salvation with fear and trembling. What that looks like for you, is not going to look the same for me. We have the same foundation of faith, just walk it out differently. I did not grow up in the church. I became a believer at 22. I have had individuals who grew up in various doctrines, who have shared that they wish they had an “empty” slate like I did. They have found themselves walking this same path you are walking. Rediscovering what the Christian Life really means and what are the foundations they stand on. We may never fully understand why others believe what they believe; but I know that I am called to love like Christ. I am not perfect at it, but I am making imperfect progress.

  2. Just don’t assume your friends will reject you – don’t prejudge that those who’ve loved you will cease to do so – give people a chance. Maybe your friends need to learn from you and you from them. None of us have attained.

  3. Don’t assume that people who’ve loved you Will turn their back on you – give them a chance – none of us have attained and perhaps there something for them to learn from you and from you to learn from them.

    • Thanks… I realized last night I was in fact not giving my friends the same grace I was asking they give me. Thank you for your wisdom.

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