Sometimes I feel like this entire blog focuses on nothing more than my emotional ups and downs from two miscarriages. I really do want to write about more than just that, but it seems when things are going well, I don’t really have much to say. I stay busy with my daily life, and only think about clever things I could share here, cute kids stories, political thoughts, arm-chair quarterbacking college football, etc. Instead, it seems that only when things get a little crazy, and I need a place to vent, to work things out, that I find time to write. That frustrates me greatly, but it just shows that I need to find regular time to write. Perhaps an early New Years resolution, eh?
But the last week of November and first week of December was a little tough – emotional ups and downs. And it all had to do with two Milestone that came and went: first, the “birthday” of the first baby I miscarried – would have been born November 16, 2007. And then, a new milestone, the due date for the baby I miscarried in May. – December 6. I didn’t want to focus on it too much. But it actually hit me subconsciously. First, I had a weird dream that I was pregnant with two babies – one several months ahead of the one I’m currently carrying. I woke up and the dream was so real and stayed with me for much of the following day. I was in a funk, didn’t know why, and then it hit me – the due date week had come. I didn’t really know how to mention it to anyone, but I did quietly ask a few friends from MOPS to pray for me and uplift me. It was a MOPS week after all, too, and I didn’t need those attacks on my spirit. God bless the ladies in MOPS – sometimes I wonder how moms without MOPS make it!
I could tell their prayers helped me tremendously – the funk lifted and I felt better. I just thought I had handled this second miscarriage so much better than the first, that the funk that hit me just really surprised me. But God is good, I felt His peace, and I think ended up being a nicer person at home. 🙂
That following Sunday at church, the sermon was perfect. And then, the music – the closing song – gave me what I think I needed most – an emotional release. Surprisingly, I hadn’t heard it before, but it was Always by Building 429. The video is below. I cried a bit during the song, cried for the first time probably since May or June about my loss. Eric just rubbed my shoulder… I don’t even know if he knows why I was crying. We don’t always talk about the babies we lost. It’s something that other than a few ladies at MOPS and the occasional blog post that I keep to myself in my heart. I share when I need to – to help others going through similar pain.
But for anyone who is going through tough times, pain, or just needs encouragement – God is Faithful. He truly is. This time of year we should all reflect on the ultimate faithfulness of God – the gift of His son. And that’s the message of Building 429’s song. Watch the video.