Well, after almost 11 months, I’m using this little blog again. What a crazy year. Much of the reason I didn’t blog for a while was it was just too painful. Some women deal with miscarriages easily, and others mourn and grieve. Me, I’m the grieving type. Even now, a year later (well, in a couple weeks), my heart still aches from the loss. Recently, I just started reading a new book I found on the MOPS website – Grieving the Child I Never Knew. What an amazing book – one of the best things I’ve read about dealing with the aftermath of miscarriage. And I still find myself crying, but now I can laugh along with the author as well during some lighter moments in the book. Just an awesome read and devotional.
What is so ironic about all this is that I am pregnant again. In fact, the baby is due soon. Our C-Section is scheduled for April 22. I feel that this is God’s timing because the baby will enter the world a year to the day almost that we lost our baby last year. God knew I would need comfort at this time, and what better way then to shower us with a new life, a new baby, and show us His goodness.
I’ve come a long way in this past year to be able to say that – God’s goodness. It has been such a year of healing, learning, reflection, and discovery. In fact, just last week I discovered something about the situation that never hit me until now. All the time we started having problems with the pregnancy – I prayed… prayed so hard that God would heal me and my baby – that God will let my baby survive – that God will keep my baby safe. And when the pregnancy ended so abruptly, I felt that God chose not to answer those prayers with a Yes. But, he did! What I couldn’t see was that his answer was looking at the big picture, the eternal picture. I wanted a here and now – baby in my arms come November 07 – answer. God did heal my baby – My baby did survive – my baby *is* safe! All in Heaven! Praise the Lord!
This realization came to me during our MOPS meeting last week. It was Tea & Testimony time – a wonderful meeting and my personal favorite 2 years running. One of the other moms stood up and spoke about her Dad’s death last March and how she had struggled with it so much over the past year. She mentioned how she just recently realized God did answer her prayers about his health but just not in the way she wanted.
Here’s the email she sent me when I wrote her and thanked her for what she said:
You know, I was not intending on speaking yesterday at all. I wasn’t even planning on coming if you remember. Something told me to get ready and go so I did. When my hand went up I kind of looked at my arm like, “what the heck? Is this my arm going up?”
I guess it needed to be said. Although I blubbered and stumbled through it all, it really helped me too. I haven’t ever let that out and now I feel so much better.
I am so happy that my testimony helped ease part of your suffering. It really means a lot to me that I could help.
After a surgery my dad went through we were all in the waiting room. My brother went back first and my dad was just waking up. He slowly opened his eyes,scanned the room and then got this horribly sad look on his face. My brother of course was concerned so he said, “Daddy, what’s wrong?” My dad answered, “I just knew that I was dead and had gone to heaven and so when I opened my eyes I wanted to take it all in as slow as I could because I knew that God would have a wonderful place prepared for me. When I realized this was just another hospital room I was saddened and dissappointed.”
The day my dad died, he died with a smile on his face. I saw it, it was so peaceful. He had gotten to finally see what God had prepared for him.
Your baby is there in that wonderful place with my dad and they will be waiting for us with open arms. I have been praying for you and I will continue to.
What a blessing to be in such a great group – our MOPS group rocks and they have been a rock to me the past year whether they know it or not. I kinda told them myself during a testimony I shared last week, but it has just been a year of recovery for me, and so many moms in that group have played a role – whether they know it or not.
In the past year, we also sold our house, built and bought a new house, and I’ve just been busy with my baby girl who will turn TWO on April 19th. God continues to work on all of us, me especially. I was someone who thought my faith was unshakeable and my walk was where it needed to be. God has shown me that we should never get comfortable and that we need to always strive to grow closer to him. I still don’t understand why we lost our 2nd child last April. I probably never will truly understand. But as the new Mandisa song God Speaking says:
Have you ever lost a loved one
Who you thought should still be here
Do you know what it feels like
To be tangled up in fear
What if He’s somehow involved
What if He’s speaking through it all
Who knows how He’ll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He’ll do and He’ll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us “I love you”
His ways are higher
His ways are better
Though sometimes strange
What could be stranger
Than God in a manger
Well, this has gone on long enough… I have plenty I still need to do to prepare for the next Little Livingston that will be along in less than 2 weeks!