Falling and getting back up

Well, my world did fall apart, but I finally feel like the pieces are getting back together.

In the past 3 weeks, I have questioned everything. Even my faith in prayer, my ability to trust God, everything.

For those who know me, my faith has always been rock solid. I’ve never been one to not rely on God fully. I’ve always known that as He promises, He’ll provide for me, care for me, and that He loves me, wanting only my best.

But after losing my baby, I didn’t know so much anymore. When I originally started this thread on my miscarriage, I was going to rail about God here and try to put into words the pain and questions and doubts I was having. But not now. No… after three weeks of me and God going round after round… after telling Him how angry I was, how disappointed, how confused… I’m not so much anymore.

No, I’m not completely healed from this loss. I’m not sure I ever will be because my baby isn’t with me. I’ll never get to hold this baby, caress it’s sweet face, nurse and provide for it, rock it to sleep. The frustrating part is I don’t even know if this baby was a boy or a girl, and I abhor having to call my baby IT. That part still bugs me. Part of me feels like this baby was a boy, but I don’t know. And crazy me doesn’t want to assign the wrong gender and one day, when I finally meet my baby on the other side of eternity, realize my error!

But I digress… I’m not as confused now, and for now, my anger is gone, and much of my faith is restored and back on track. I may have taken a tumble spiritually, but I feel like I’ve gotten back on my feet, dusted off, and now ready to walk again with my Savior.

More later on this because I really want to share it. I want to share how I got to this point, but Katie is waking up from her nap, and it’s time to be mom again. 🙂

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