I had a baby girl April 2006. She is the love of my life and recently turned one! It is amazing how fast this past year went.
Well, I got a surprise late March. We were expecting again. For the first day I was terrified… what am I going to do with 2 children under the age of 2? How am I going to handle it? Am I cheating Katie out of time with mommy? Will the new baby sleep? Will my current baby sleep? I was panicked for a good part of the day. I cried because I felt guilty that I wasn’t happy like I had been when I found about Katie. I cried because I didn’t know if I could manage two in diapers.
But my husband… my wonderful, amazing husband, comforted me. He told me that if we were pregnant, it must be God’s timing. God won’t put on you more than you can handle and he’d give me strength.
Well, just like that I felt the anxiety flood away. I felt okay, and over the next day, the next week, and into the following weeks, I began to feel estatic! I was pregnant again! Awesome! I love newborns, I love the feeling from being pregnant, I love feeling that little life move inside of me, I love it! Maternity clothes are cute now! My husband and I will have another example to show of our love to the world! I was on cloud nine.
My last pregnancy went so well. It was textbook. Sure, I had morning sickness and some extra congestion and felt uncomfortable during that last month or so… But that’s part of the joy of bringing a life into the world!
So, we told everyone we knew about this baby. At Katie’s first birthday party, we announced it to all our friends and family. I told my MOPS group, we told our Sunday School class. We were expecting!
And then the unexpected. On April 18, the day before my daughter’s first birthday, I started spotting. Well, maybe this is normal I thought. But my heart knew otherwise. Sure, it could be normal spotting (even later implantation bleeding according to the nurse on call that day), but I should have been 8-9 weeks pregnant then. We weren’t sure how far along exactly because I hadn’t had regular cycles due to nursing Katie. But from what I could tell, and what the doctor thought, close to 9 weeks was the case.
On the 19th, things got worse, so I went to see the doctor. Here it was my daughter’s first birthday, a day I should have been reminiscing about the labor and delivery of Katie, and instead I’m sitting in an exam room worried for my new child, the one forming inside of me.
It didn’t look good. Without some blood work, the doctor wouldn’t out and out say I was miscarrying, but from what we saw on the ultrasound, things didn’t look right.
On Monday the 23rd, after all the blood work and ultrasounds, we got the news… the unexpected. We had lost the baby.
And that is when my world fell apart it feels… more later as I can digest it all and put it into words.